The struggle is real... a popular hashtag used by many and in many different contexts both lighthearted and not so lighthearted!
And for me the last couple months have truly been a real struggle. My struggle is different than the other first time mom down the street and my friend who lost her job and my mom who is in pain. But mine is truly real. During my pregnancy I never seemed to fear or dwell on the pain of giving birth! I seem to have a high pain tolerance so I thought nothing of it. My fear was what would come after. I knew I was predisposed to have postpartum depression and I was going to fight “tooth and nail” to make sure that it didn’t happen to me... as if I could control it! (Well part of me actually believed I could!) Unfortunately it looks like I lost my power. Here I am 7 months postpartum and feeling like I’m in a cyclone of crazy hormones, sleep deprivation, fussy cries, and too much time with my husband (I’m just kidding about the last one but - for real - this pandemic doesn’t help my mental well being.) A perfect storm. A storm that has flipped my world upside. A storm that has pushed me to my limits and caused many tears. A storm that has torn my mind and heart apart. A storm of which I have no control. Surprise! And today I felt like this cyclone - also known as my life - revved up and any sense of control I did have was gone. Caputz! Good news though... I had a burp cloth nearby so I didn’t have to get off my bed to grab the Kleenex box! I didn’t stay down for long though. I had to pick myself up and I move forward.... and here we are at nap #2... still sleeping in my arms (no judgments please)... which is when I decided to start reading the Psalms. This is where I started:
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A lot has happened since I wrote last. And it would undoubtedly be an enormously long post that many would not read, so instead I will give you the abridged version. I got married. Sold my house. Finished working as a School Counselor (for now). Went to Bulgaria. Moved to Chicago. Had a baby. Lived a normal life for a bit of time - and it felt good! Then what seemed like overnight, things began to change. The pandemic hit the US and seemingly shut its people off from the world. I could no longer participate in one (or 2) of my most beloved things - the liturgy and the people. Our little one stopped sleeping through the night. I was stuck at home with my husband :) Just kidding! What happened next was not what I expected, and with that I found myself on a new journey. Not only did I finally see, know and truly experience the journey of motherhood, but was blessed with a journey of struggle. I finally realized what this "calling" of motherhood is all about. And I say "calling" because it was (and still is) for me. You see, most people use that term very loosely. A calling is something that we, ourselves, feel so inclined to do through our own passion and desire for that thing. More simply put, that thing calls to us! 6 almost 7 months ago, it the idea of motherhood called to me - and shortly after - I wasn't so sure! I second guessed myself as a mother and this grand idea to have a baby! Little did I forget that each calling is met with an open door that God ordains! And so when this calling to be a mother and God's opening of a door finally met, I was surprised and delighted, and also clueless as to what was going to come after I walked through that door. I have been met with joy, confusion, sadness, struggle, laughter and so much more! So much, that I want to share what I see with you as I delight in this new journey of motherhood. I've journeyed a great distance already and yet, have so far to go on this new path that God has created for me. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. ~ Psalm 22:3 |